Sunday, April 15, 2007

Microsoft: Deathware Diary Entry #1 April 9, 2007

4/9/2007 8:08:47 PM

First entry in my diary of Microsoft and other software fuckups.

Today I just spent 45 minutes trying to add an entry to my Address Book, or to my Contacts, whichever it is, or isn’t, as I cannot be sure if one is a set or subset of the other. The reason I had to do this is that my system had become infected with the Spydawn virus which nothing could get rid of. Also, you cannot import an Outlook Address Book ® into MS® Outlook®. You can import almost anything else, but not one Address book of the same application into the same application. Instead, you have to find the old Address book wherever it may be and place it in the directory it will now have to be now that you have installed Outlook® into the drive/folder/directory.

I believe the correct path is:

C:\Documents and Settings\\Applications\Microsoft\Richard Nixon’s Asshole\Current Settings\Hell.

And this is supposed to be a graphical interface.

Anyway, one of the “Contacts” in “Contacts” or in “Address Book” or Contacts in Address Book or Address Book in Contacts was not there any more.

So I did a Find to find the name of the person. This was so obnoxiously ridiculously convoluted a process I gave up and sorted my Inbox – not my new Inbox, which it created for me inside Personal SomethingorAnother, but the old Inbox (I now have two Inboxes and two Outboxes and two Sent Items and I think they are all under some common heading… I could check it and find out probably in a week or so) and I found it. Then I right-clicked on it and told it to add it to my Address Book or my Contacts. One of them. Or both. Anyway, I added it. I filed it under Lastname, Firstname. Then I clicked on the New button to make a New Message™. Then I typed the first letter of the last name.

Nothing. Nada. Zero. Not there.

So I went back and realizing I was Stupid® and didn’t know how or why an Address Book or a Contact was different or the same as one another, I decided I would try to add it to Contacts and/or Address Book if I could find one that was different from the other one. I can’t remember if I did. But I clicked on Add second time and it asked me if I wanted to Update the Address Book/Contacts entry or if I wanted to add a new one. What the hell. It wasn’t there. Add, I decided. Ha, ha! I ain’t that dumb! Why would a goober even as dumb as I am want to update an Entry in a Contacts or Address Book that Wasn’t There?

Then I started up a New® Message™ and typed the first letter of the Lastname of the etnry I had just Added. It did for some reason not scroll down to the entry. So I typed the first letter of the Firstname. Not there. OK, I sez to myself, looking at my watch, realizing I had been doing this for 20 minutes, I can do this. I know I am way too stupid to understand how to use programs. So I found an e-mail message from the person in my old Inbox and I copied it. Then I tried to find Tools -> Address Book, but as anyone with half a brain knows you can’t get there from a New Message. You have to go to the Main Outlook Window. I did. I then did whatever I just said. Or did. Where was I? Right, I did a New Entry in either Address Book or you know. Then I said Save and Close. Then it said, did I want to Update or Add a New Anyway Even Though It’s Already There, Moron? I said, um, Add.

Then I started a New Message and this time I clicked on the handy To button and this brought up my, you know, Contacts or Address Book List, and I typed the first letter of the first name and nothing and then the last name of the thingy.

Not there. I just added it and it said do you want to add it anyway? Then I added it but said Update. I did this many times and then I tried to find it when making a New Message and it was not there.

Then I thought, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Well, not exactly a minute, more like 40 minutes and counting.

I exited the MS Outlook application and then restarted it and did a New Message and typed the first latter of one of the names in the firstname/last name and there it was.

Eight entries for the same person. All there.

My God! I am ever stupid! Ha, ha! The Joke is on me!

All of which proves that people as stupid as I am should not be allowed to purchase Microsoft® Genuine Advantage™ Software!

I wish I were a genius Just Like Bill Gates!! Then I wouldn’t have wasted 45 minutes trying to do something that should have taken 10 seconds!

I am the World’s Leading Dolt!

Flip Durbin
4/9/2007 8:34:52 PM

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